One year later.

I like these views, these moments, these memories by myself.  Because it is a choice I get to make.


I have wondered, more than once, why I started it, but- I know why. It is a love song to my brother. It is an attempt to face both love and death.

I have been very frightened, for: I have had to try to strip myself naked. One does not like what one sees then, and one is afraid of what others will see: and do. To challenge one's deepest, most nameless fears, is, also, to challenge the heavens. It is to drag yourself, and everyone and everything and everyone you love, to the attention of the fiercest of the gods: who may not forgive your impertinence, who may not spare you.  All that I can offer in extenuation of my boldness is my love.

I came here a month after you died last year, right around someone else's birthday, and it was a summer of learning how to grieve and somehow function all at the same time.  Eat a hot dog, don't cry.  Hug your friends, don't think about the one you will never hear speak again. Cook dinner, don't panic.  Walk, breathe, repeat.  I did it, and I'm still doing it.

It is braving love and death forever.

I miss you, baby boy.