Crapplebee's

I will never again step foot in an Applebee's.   For a synopsis of my experience from hell, please refer to my Yelp review, otherwise, let's let it rip.

Before last week, I would have easily said I loved Applebee's.  I don't know why, especially every time I saw their Oriental Chicken Salad on the menu I gagged a little, but I did.  It was a love affair, full of highs and lows - the highest when I went around my birthday two years ago, and when the waitress carded me, noticed my birthday had just passed, and brought out dessert and a singing crew.  The lowest (and last) happened last week.

If you think I did not write my server's name down, you're wrong.  Sometimes people need to be held accountable, and I want to be able to prove my traumatic experience actually happened. 

Let me first start off with what I believe is the absolute bare minimum for a 20% tip, or what I will refer to as

Jennifer's Restaurant Rules:

1. Take the drink orders within the first ten minutes of seating, or have anyone, anyone at all, bring over some water.
2. Bring all courses to the table in a timely manner, and if they can't be brought in a timely manner - make up an excuse and/or acknowledge that I'm fucking starving and that the wait is ridiculous.
3. Ask how the food IS, while I'm eating it and offer to refill the beverages, or better yet, bring a new glass before I have to ask.

That is it.  I should say I've never waitressed, but I've worked a job long enough to know that the bare minimum is not too much to ask for.  Apparently, sometimes it is, and then I have to lose my shit.  And by lose my shit, I mean give you a shitty tip.  The only time I ever remember not tipping was when I was in high school when the waiter at TGIFriday's was horrendous and the manager had to be called.  I would be lying if I said it does not make me even angrier to know I have to leave you a tip at all. 

Anyway, back to the meal.  I'm sitting at the table and I'm parched.  Restaurant Rule #1 has been broken already.  We placed our orders and waited patiently for our wonton tacos.  Over half an hour passes, and I'm already scanning the room for our waitress.  She is nowhere to be found, as in there is no way she has been in the dining area for at least half an hour.  She appears eventually, from the back, with what looks like her manager, who looks like he may have received some under the table goods, if you know what I'm saying.  She approaches the table in front of us, to take their orders, notices I'm still looking around the room and says the appetizers are on the way.

They show up, cold as hell.  In fact, after looking over their menu online, nothing on their appetizer menu is served cold.  Fail.  You'd think because the appetizer showed up so late, and so cold, the entrees (the fish and chips for Adam, and the cowboy burger NO cheese for me) would be right up.  Wrong. 

Without me even scanning the room this time, the waitress says the entrees are taking long because they accidentally put cheese on my burger and had to make a new one.  Oh, okay, she is applying half of  Restaurant Rule #2 to improve her chances.  I'm reconsidering my feelings about her and this restaurant.

I don't eat a lot of burgers - in fact, I don't eat a lot of red meat, so I was excited.  That is, until I saw my burger.  Do you know what something looks like when melted cheese is pulled off it?  It looked like my fucking burger.  It looked like what the McDonald's Filet-O-Fish looked like that one time I got it with cheese, and I had to pull it off, except that cost me $3.00.  I've talked enough about my disdain for most cheese, especially MELTED cheese, in this blog and in real life, so it should be pretty fucking clear I was pissed off and disgusted.

I hacked off the melted cheese bits with a fork and proceeded to eat my medium rare burger, even though I ordered it medium well, until I was too pissed to eat it anymore.

Two words: Never Again.

I should add that I was contacted on Yelp about my review by a marketing representative from Doherty Enterprises, the 12th largest franchisee in the US, to help rectify the $36.66 nightmare I had to endure.  One of the few good things about big companies, chains and/or corporations, is what their management and customer service will do to keep you a part of their machine.  Too bad you can't buy me off this time, bitches.

I responded today with the following:

Hi Jerry,
While it is nice of you to contact me, I am not interested in speaking to the Area Director, as I have no intention on returning to this particular Applebee's ever again, or any Applebee's for that matter.
Perhaps if "WOWing" your guests is of great interest, the current servers at the Jersey City location should learn that lying to their customers and being absent from table service for half hours at a time is probably the worst way to go about it.

Thank you,
Jennifer

Moral of the story: You do NOT want to mess with this.